We found out this week that we are expecting a baby!
A few months ago, I was feeling pregnant, even though tests kept coming back negative (tip: Dollar Tree pregnancy tests are just as good, I usually have a stockpile of them!). I was falling asleep early and exhausted. Since I have two kids, I recognized feeling pregnant, but thought that maybe it was just all the craziness of being back from vacation and my husband being home from deployment that was wearing me out.
Finally I texted my Mom one day that Aunt Flo was visiting, and went about my day. My cramps that day were horrible, and I was thankful to have a friend over who wanted to sit on the couch, knitting and chatting together so that I had an excuse to relax.
That night, probably around 2 in the morning, I told my husband he had the kids, because I had to get out of bed. I was in terrible pain. It felt like (mild) labor. After I came back to bed, the pain had subsided and I went back to sleep. I had a miscarriage.
The next morning, I called my mom and told her that I was fine, I wasn't sad. Until I started sobbing. I hadn't wanted that baby. Everything in my life felt challenging and overwhelming, and my husband and I were still struggling to reconnect after deployment. I felt like it was my fault that the baby hadn't survived. But I felt better after crying with my mom. I knew that it wasn't logical that I had caused a miscarriage. Sometimes the way we feel just is, whether it makes sense or not. (I did a lot of research, and found that most people now think that chromosomal abnormalities is the reason that a fetus does not survive, and not necessarily due to something the mother has done, although there are environmental toxins that can be dangerous to a growing baby)
I was depressed for about a month after that. Not in a "I'm so sad.... what would that baby have been like?" kind of way. I don't think I could have expressed it even that fully. Both my husband and I just felt.... off. Like something was missing. Miscarriage was one of the strangest feelings I have experienced thus far. It isn't something that is really talked about, nor is there often a solution or cause available. Also, people say DUMB stuff about miscarriage, and I didn't want to tell anyone, for fear that I would hold it against them if they did so.
That all being said, when we found out this week that we are PREGNANT, it wasn't a surprise exactly. We weren't trying to get pregnant, nor did I think that I was pregnant (I'm still nowhere as tired as I was with my miscarriage) so it was a surprise in that way.
God is good. This baby's due date is September 15, a year to the day that my husband returned home from deployment. We are excited and trusting God for the full pregnancy and wonderful birth of this baby.
I guess I can start planning my next topic: Maternity Style! ;)